If I Could Write… Home Alone!

The Home Alone movies are a strange bunch aren’t they? The ultimate example of parental abandonment and how the system is totally okay with not prosecuting rich white people!

jail-bars-home-alone-parents
Would have happened if they were black!

I jest, I jest! Nonetheless the Home Alone films really are products of their time. In a world littered with mobiles, Internet and constant connections, its rather difficult to imagine the same situation happening today. (Not that the originals were the height of plausibility)

trump
Yeah, I could totally imagine Macaulay Culkin becoming Pres… Wait, WHAT!

For those of you that may have finer tastes in movies (or were born after the freelance parenting of the 1990s), the Home Alone franchise is always centred around a pre-pubescent boy who is left at home alone for an extended period of time.

The franchise kicked off in 1990 with the wittily titled “Home Alone.” Starring Macaulay Culkin as Kevin McCallister, it’s success would be followed by “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”

Having aged out of the role, Culkin would be replaced by Alex D. Linz for the third installment, Home Alone 3 (which, fact fans, stars a young Scarlett Johnansson!)

img_3589
Why did I add this photo? Err… Art? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Having already stretched believability to breaking point on the silver screen, the final two films in the franchise, Home Alone 4 and Home Alone: The Holiday Heist, would end up being low-budget TV movies.

But like my previous Star Wars article, I do have an interesting Home Alone idea that I’d like to write. So…

home-alone-gun
Lets lock and load!

Doing Home Alone as a family film where a little boy is left on his own is vastly out of date and just wouldn’t work in the 21st century. Add to that is the fact that most of the love for Home Alone comes from the people who watched the original two films in the 1990s.

So firstly I’m going to ignore the latter 3 movies. The Home Alone I write will essentially be a direct sequel to Home Alone 2. But I would also drastically change the genre…

…To Horror!

home-alone-scream
Bet you didn’t see that coming, you little jerk!

Why horror? I’ll come back to that. First, have a look at the two photos below

home-alone-battle-plan
What penmanship!

These are the blueprints that Kevin draws up in order to plan for the upcoming home invasion in both films.

I’ll say that line again: These are the BLUEPRINTS that Kevin draws up in order to plan for the upcoming HOME INVASION in both films.

He’s 8 years old! And still only 10 in the second film! The boy’s a fucking child genius! While the drawings are crude, that doesn’t change the fact that Kevin has an phenomenal understanding of military-style tactics! We are talking Jigsaw-level planning here people!

kevin-jigsaw
See the resemblance?

So what we can assume is that Kevin would most likely be able to apply these skills to an adult life path. And based on the events of both movies, what industry do you think he went into?

mccal-security
Home Security of course!

And why wouldn’t he? He obviously has the skills, and with modern technology and a decent investment from a bank, he could easily set up his own firm.

And that’s where my story would start. Set about 30 years after the first film, we open on a TV advert for McCallister Securities (McSec). We see shots of homes, cars, businesses, military establishments and public transportation. All of them with stickers or posters saying “Protected by McCallister Securities.”

Towards the end of the commercial we see 40-year-old Kevin McCallister, the CEO of McCallister Securities, make an appearance to talk about a new upcoming piece of technology. Something that will change the face of the security industry. And he will make a personal announcement at the 1st ever McSec Tech show.

As one of the largest multinational companies in the world, McSec is essentially the Apple of the security industry. But Kevin McCallister himself is an absolute mystery. A complete recluse, he never leaves his house, and no one has seen him in public since the early 2000s. Instead he sends blueprints, designs and sometimes prototypes to his company, which they then mass produce.

Because of this the actual day-to-day running of the company is done by his younger cousin, Fuller McCallister (played by Macaulay’s real life brother, Kieran!) He is the only person to directly talk to or have contact of any kind with Kevin.

fuller-mccallister
Wetting the bed in 5… 4… 3… 2…

And why has no one seen Kevin? Why does he hide away from the world? According to Fuller, Kevin suffers from PTSD. The widely publicised house invasion of 1990, and the hunting of Kevin by gun wielding maniacs in New York, has apparently led Kevin to be somewhat weary of the outside world and he prefers to stay shut away. But is Fuller telling us the truth?

As the commercial ends, a TV switches off and we’re now in a boardroom. Two groups of people occupy the room. Each one is a competitor of McSec. (Think the Google and Amazon of the securities world.)

They’re both worried. For Kevin McCallister himself to come out of his self-imposed exile must mean, whatever this piece of new technology, it really is going to change the world.

Both companies are desperate. Their share prices are taking a hammering and they’re both willing to do anything to try and survive. In the end both companies decide that, since this piece of technology is in Kevin McCallister’s house, the only thing they can do is hire people to break in and try to steal it.

And so we’re introduced to our protagonist. Ellen, 40 years old, and a retired policewoman with some military experience who takes jobs like this to try and support her family. Her team of 5 have been hired by “Amazon.” However, “Google” chooses to only send one person as they want to reduce the risk of getting caught.

So this team of 6 enter the grounds of Kevin McCallister’s house and break inside (which was surprising easy.) But then… oh no… one of the team is injured! By a trap! Specifically this trap!

Now, as comedic as this is, do you know what happens when you get something of that weight, at that speed, smashing into your face? Here, I’ll let the doctors explain.

Losing teeth, losing your eyesight, broken nose, cracked skull and possible blood clots forming in your brain. And let’s not forget the excruciating pain! You are as close to death without actually being dead.

That’s when the entire team realise… They’re trapped in a house of horrors. They can’t escape. Kevin McCallister isn’t playing around this time. And everyone’s going to suffer.

That’s why I want it to be a horror film. Imagine creeping down the dark, dingy corridors of the McCallister house, not really knowing where the next trap is going to be. Fear surging through Ellen and her teammates.

There would be a mixture of traps from both Home Alone 1 and 2, with some new ones added in. But they would all be updated to be more technology based and the results would be far more brutal and realistic. For example this trap:

From what little knowledge I have of the human body, that amount of electricity (roughly 100V) for that 18 seconds would essentially start “cooking” the inside of your body. There would be such a massive increase of heat that your blood/water would boil and possibly explode whatever vessel/body part they’re inside of. Not to mention the complete loss of bladder and rectal control.

Who wouldn’t want to watch that?!!!

Anyway, after the brutal loss of several team members, there would be two survivors. Ellen and one of her men. And they come across Kevin McCallister’s personal workshop. And… Oh my god… They see that new piece of technology… It’s…

doctorwhospoilers

Sorry guys! Gotta keep some surprises!


Photo Credits: All Wide Wallpapers, Breitbart, Reddit, IMFD, Flickr, Reddit, Apcera, JoBlo,

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3 Replies to “If I Could Write… Home Alone!”

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